Monday, December 05, 2005
Background to this Publication
This project of writing a journal to record events of my marriage breaking down as they were happening started in mid 1993 and continued until I left home in November, 1993.
At a later date, when I thought about publishing what I had written, the following was prepared as a synopsis for the book to be used when submitting this work to a publisher - never really got that far, but thought I would include it here by way of background.
This draft synopsis was actually written in late 1994, just over a year after I left the marriage home and helps explain much of the background to how and why this book came about.
===================================================================
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am submitting this manuscript 13 months after I left my marriage home (in Melbourne) for what I then thought would be a three week break to give my wife the 'breathing space' she has been asking for and to spare my children any further discomfort from the tension in the home. I left at the behest of the counsellor we were seeing and at no stage did I feel my leaving would be for more than a short period.
When I started writing my manuscript I was 40 years of age, married with six children and had been unemployed for most of the previous 18 months as a result of a business closure. During that period I had to contend with an investigation into the failed business (since cleared) and a change in role in the family from being the principal provider to being the 'housewife'. At the same time I watched my wife throw herself more and more into her work and looked on as her career developed and she advanced whilst my life appeared to disintegrate around me.
Also during this period I faced the real possibility of a marriage breakdown. It was due to this that I took pen to paper.
Initially, as things began to worsen at home, I decided to try and keep a record of what was happening in the form of a diary/journal. I thought it may be useful to keep a list of events as I saw them for future reference - events that had taken place during 15 years of a marriage which was now heading towards breakdown.
I saw writing such a journal as an opportunity to try and express my feelings and opinions on these events and at the same time try and explain the effect these had (have) on a middle aged male - a topic which the literature apparently has ignored during the age of feminism and equality of the sexes.
Once I started writing, I realised that possibly many of the things I had written about were more than likely not in fact unique to my own situation. Marriages break-up every day and businesses close down regularly especially nowadays given the current economic situation in Australia. My situation probably is (was) no different to thousands of others.
In my opinion, what was different was that possibly my marriage could have been saved and would not have deteriorated to the level that it did if I had paid attention and acted on the various warning signs that, with hindsight, were evident early on.
I strongly feel that what I have written would make an interesting read of one person's perception of marriage and of events during a marriage breakdown involving six children. More importantly, from an educational standpoint, such a publication could possibly be used as a source/reference manual or guide for both counsellors and social workers dealing with marriage guidance. It also occurred to me that possibly what I have to say could be of interest for young couples about to take the 'plunge'.
I also feel that what I have written would make a sound basis for a play or film on marriage and problems in marriage, but that is not why I am writing to you.
I make no apologies for the fact that everything I have related in the journal is from my viewpoint and is based on my interpretation of my marriage. I am fully aware that what is presented is not objective and that my wife more than likely would tell a totally different story. I have no problem with this. Possibly her recounting of events I talk about from her viewpoint would be most enlightening and furthermore of additional use to counsellors and those about to get married.
My wife is aware of what I have written and in fact was sent a copy of the manuscript.
Topics I have covered in the journal include:
* marriage and compromise in marriage
* physical relations and sexual contact in marriage
* love and trust in marriage
* respect for each other's past - professional and social
* marriage and the mother-in-law
* raising children and teaching them respect and responsibility
* the changing role of the male head of a house-hold as the socio-economic situation of the family changes
* business and the affects of a failed business on a marriage
* buying a house
* religion
* meeting with a social worker to try an save a marriage
I have purposely changed the names of people referred to including those of my children. I do not feel that I have the right nor do I have the desire to publicise them in such a publication but believe that when they are of the right age, they should read what I have written. Hopefully, this may explain to them what happened to their father and why I was not around while they were growing up.
In the event that what I have written is found to be worthy of publishing, I would ask that I be allowed to use a pseudonym, again to protect not only my children but also my wife. No matter what hurt I may have felt as a result of all that has happened, I still do care for my wife and again would not want to harm her in anyway or cause her any embarrassment.
The bottom line is that while obviously it takes 'two to tango', it is my opinion many of the difficulties in my marriage had their roots in behavioural and attitudinal problems associated with my wife. Problems which should have been addressed a long time ago by both family and professionals but which for whatever reason were left unattended. Problems which when broached by me with my wife's family and professionals were either ignored or denied as existing. Having said this, I am not for one minute saying that I have been totally innocent but that is something for another time and possibly for another journal.
Given that I was not able to get any support or help in my attempts to save my marriage from either my in-law's and/or from professionals, I have turned to the idea of publishing what I have gone through with the hope that this may spare others the pain and frustration I have been through these past years.
Assuming that there is some substance in what I have written, as I obviously believe there is, it is my opinion that this bears recounting in the form of a journal or book. I say this not out of spite or vengeance but because apart from being an interesting read, such a publication may help others in a similar situation or at least highlight certain things that otherwise may be overlooked in a marriage going through difficulties.
Undoubtedly, there will be those who feel that what I have written is without substance, contrived and written for no other purpose but to make it look as if I am totally blameless for the failure of my marriage. I accept this as a possible scenario but would dispute this to the end. Even if this line was accepted, I still believe that what I have written bears publication as the issues I have raised are relevant and I would say are real and present in many marriages today.
The way I have ended this journal allows me to continue if I so choose at a later date. My intention is to do so some time down the track.
As far as a title for such a publication is concerned, this still remains to be finalised. Possibilities include:
"Year of the Family, but where's my Daddy"
"Married in the First Degree"
"Dispossessed"
"Death of a Husband"
"The Emasculated Male"
Just as I hope you do not feel I am being pretentious in writing to you to have my journal published, I am also not presumptuous enough to believe that you will want to publish what I have written.
Finally I would like to thank you for your time and patience. I do believe that many of the subjects I have raised in my journal are both contentious and important and hopefully I will find a way to have them published and read by others.
Click here to see how you can purchase a copy of THE EMASCULATED MALE now:
At a later date, when I thought about publishing what I had written, the following was prepared as a synopsis for the book to be used when submitting this work to a publisher - never really got that far, but thought I would include it here by way of background.
This draft synopsis was actually written in late 1994, just over a year after I left the marriage home and helps explain much of the background to how and why this book came about.
===================================================================
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am submitting this manuscript 13 months after I left my marriage home (in Melbourne) for what I then thought would be a three week break to give my wife the 'breathing space' she has been asking for and to spare my children any further discomfort from the tension in the home. I left at the behest of the counsellor we were seeing and at no stage did I feel my leaving would be for more than a short period.
When I started writing my manuscript I was 40 years of age, married with six children and had been unemployed for most of the previous 18 months as a result of a business closure. During that period I had to contend with an investigation into the failed business (since cleared) and a change in role in the family from being the principal provider to being the 'housewife'. At the same time I watched my wife throw herself more and more into her work and looked on as her career developed and she advanced whilst my life appeared to disintegrate around me.
Also during this period I faced the real possibility of a marriage breakdown. It was due to this that I took pen to paper.
Initially, as things began to worsen at home, I decided to try and keep a record of what was happening in the form of a diary/journal. I thought it may be useful to keep a list of events as I saw them for future reference - events that had taken place during 15 years of a marriage which was now heading towards breakdown.
I saw writing such a journal as an opportunity to try and express my feelings and opinions on these events and at the same time try and explain the effect these had (have) on a middle aged male - a topic which the literature apparently has ignored during the age of feminism and equality of the sexes.
Once I started writing, I realised that possibly many of the things I had written about were more than likely not in fact unique to my own situation. Marriages break-up every day and businesses close down regularly especially nowadays given the current economic situation in Australia. My situation probably is (was) no different to thousands of others.
In my opinion, what was different was that possibly my marriage could have been saved and would not have deteriorated to the level that it did if I had paid attention and acted on the various warning signs that, with hindsight, were evident early on.
I strongly feel that what I have written would make an interesting read of one person's perception of marriage and of events during a marriage breakdown involving six children. More importantly, from an educational standpoint, such a publication could possibly be used as a source/reference manual or guide for both counsellors and social workers dealing with marriage guidance. It also occurred to me that possibly what I have to say could be of interest for young couples about to take the 'plunge'.
I also feel that what I have written would make a sound basis for a play or film on marriage and problems in marriage, but that is not why I am writing to you.
I make no apologies for the fact that everything I have related in the journal is from my viewpoint and is based on my interpretation of my marriage. I am fully aware that what is presented is not objective and that my wife more than likely would tell a totally different story. I have no problem with this. Possibly her recounting of events I talk about from her viewpoint would be most enlightening and furthermore of additional use to counsellors and those about to get married.
My wife is aware of what I have written and in fact was sent a copy of the manuscript.
Topics I have covered in the journal include:
* marriage and compromise in marriage
* physical relations and sexual contact in marriage
* love and trust in marriage
* respect for each other's past - professional and social
* marriage and the mother-in-law
* raising children and teaching them respect and responsibility
* the changing role of the male head of a house-hold as the socio-economic situation of the family changes
* business and the affects of a failed business on a marriage
* buying a house
* religion
* meeting with a social worker to try an save a marriage
I have purposely changed the names of people referred to including those of my children. I do not feel that I have the right nor do I have the desire to publicise them in such a publication but believe that when they are of the right age, they should read what I have written. Hopefully, this may explain to them what happened to their father and why I was not around while they were growing up.
In the event that what I have written is found to be worthy of publishing, I would ask that I be allowed to use a pseudonym, again to protect not only my children but also my wife. No matter what hurt I may have felt as a result of all that has happened, I still do care for my wife and again would not want to harm her in anyway or cause her any embarrassment.
The bottom line is that while obviously it takes 'two to tango', it is my opinion many of the difficulties in my marriage had their roots in behavioural and attitudinal problems associated with my wife. Problems which should have been addressed a long time ago by both family and professionals but which for whatever reason were left unattended. Problems which when broached by me with my wife's family and professionals were either ignored or denied as existing. Having said this, I am not for one minute saying that I have been totally innocent but that is something for another time and possibly for another journal.
Given that I was not able to get any support or help in my attempts to save my marriage from either my in-law's and/or from professionals, I have turned to the idea of publishing what I have gone through with the hope that this may spare others the pain and frustration I have been through these past years.
Assuming that there is some substance in what I have written, as I obviously believe there is, it is my opinion that this bears recounting in the form of a journal or book. I say this not out of spite or vengeance but because apart from being an interesting read, such a publication may help others in a similar situation or at least highlight certain things that otherwise may be overlooked in a marriage going through difficulties.
Undoubtedly, there will be those who feel that what I have written is without substance, contrived and written for no other purpose but to make it look as if I am totally blameless for the failure of my marriage. I accept this as a possible scenario but would dispute this to the end. Even if this line was accepted, I still believe that what I have written bears publication as the issues I have raised are relevant and I would say are real and present in many marriages today.
The way I have ended this journal allows me to continue if I so choose at a later date. My intention is to do so some time down the track.
As far as a title for such a publication is concerned, this still remains to be finalised. Possibilities include:
"Year of the Family, but where's my Daddy"
"Married in the First Degree"
"Dispossessed"
"Death of a Husband"
"The Emasculated Male"
Just as I hope you do not feel I am being pretentious in writing to you to have my journal published, I am also not presumptuous enough to believe that you will want to publish what I have written.
Finally I would like to thank you for your time and patience. I do believe that many of the subjects I have raised in my journal are both contentious and important and hopefully I will find a way to have them published and read by others.
Click here to see how you can purchase a copy of THE EMASCULATED MALE now:
